[And there it is. The word he's been avoiding. 'Attacking.' The Archivist has been attacking people, and it makes his skin crawl with guilt. He can't even deny it, paper over it by trying to correct the other man to 'triggering.' All of these euphemisms. Jon seems to sink more into the chair where he's sat, telegraphing shame in every movement for someone with the eye to see it.]
It's not... I'm the same person. It's not that simple anymore. I wasn't always a... a chain-smoker, but now that I am... A coworker introduced me to it. My boss introduced me to it. He gave me... cigarettes and that was fine at first. It was fine. I... the first attack I triggered, I didn't even know it was happening. There weren't any... overt signs. She was upset, but I didn't... I never meant to do that.
[He finally looks up at Hannibal.]
I didn't start out meaning to be a chain-smoker. But then I started getting sick when I wasn't smoking, and... [Jon crosses his arms over his chest, hugging himself.] I chose to do this. To keep doing this. I know. I just... I never expected it to get this bad.
[He draws in a breath, trying to center himself.]
S-stabbing myself? I can do that. I need to, um... I need to buy something for it. But I can do that. And... the rest of it, too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-08-07 04:06 am (UTC)It's not... I'm the same person. It's not that simple anymore. I wasn't always a... a chain-smoker, but now that I am... A coworker introduced me to it. My boss introduced me to it. He gave me... cigarettes and that was fine at first. It was fine. I... the first attack I triggered, I didn't even know it was happening. There weren't any... overt signs. She was upset, but I didn't... I never meant to do that.
[He finally looks up at Hannibal.]
I didn't start out meaning to be a chain-smoker. But then I started getting sick when I wasn't smoking, and... [Jon crosses his arms over his chest, hugging himself.] I chose to do this. To keep doing this. I know. I just... I never expected it to get this bad.
[He draws in a breath, trying to center himself.]
S-stabbing myself? I can do that. I need to, um... I need to buy something for it. But I can do that. And... the rest of it, too.