[And there it is. The word he's been avoiding. 'Attacking.' The Archivist has been attacking people, and it makes his skin crawl with guilt. He can't even deny it, paper over it by trying to correct the other man to 'triggering.' All of these euphemisms. Jon seems to sink more into the chair where he's sat, telegraphing shame in every movement for someone with the eye to see it.]
It's not... I'm the same person. It's not that simple anymore. I wasn't always a... a chain-smoker, but now that I am... A coworker introduced me to it. My boss introduced me to it. He gave me... cigarettes and that was fine at first. It was fine. I... the first attack I triggered, I didn't even know it was happening. There weren't any... overt signs. She was upset, but I didn't... I never meant to do that.
[He finally looks up at Hannibal.]
I didn't start out meaning to be a chain-smoker. But then I started getting sick when I wasn't smoking, and... [Jon crosses his arms over his chest, hugging himself.] I chose to do this. To keep doing this. I know. I just... I never expected it to get this bad.
[He draws in a breath, trying to center himself.]
S-stabbing myself? I can do that. I need to, um... I need to buy something for it. But I can do that. And... the rest of it, too.
Edited (repetition) Date: 2019-08-07 04:12 am (UTC)
[Hannibal's eyes narrowed, because if there was an emotion he did not understand, it was shame. It wasn't something he could honestly say he wanted to ever understand, either. Why feel shame when one was above all other human creatures?
The Archivist clearly thought the rules did apply to him, though. So whatever he was hiding behind 'smoking', he did not have control of it and he would be hurting more people in the future if he did not gain control.
Including people that Hannibal actually spoke to regularly.] Perhaps you did not start out this way, and perhaps it is not your fault that you became addicted to cigarettes. However, your continued dependence on them is a deflection of owning to your own mistakes.
I'm not deflecting. [He knows he shouldn't snap. The man is trying to help and has given him some relevant advice. That's all he really needed. There's no point in staying here for further discussion. There's a pocketknife to be purchased. That should be his priority. The Archivist's gaze strays to wherever the nearest clock is, if he can even find one in the office.
His voice is softer when he continues.]
I know they're my mistakes, my choices. I just... [Don't want to stop. It's as simple and as sickening as that.] I need to be able to-
I haven't been able to eat.
[The words slip out in frustration, and Jon quickly corrects.]
Smoke. I-I haven't been able to smoke like I normally would. I can, um... I can do that alone. Without... triggering people. But I haven't... I know why. I know what I need to do to fix it, but it makes me h- I... have to smoke more for it.
[Hannibal arched his eyebrow again, as if to say, 'Oh I most certainly do not believe that', before he let his expression smooth into a intent, listening air.
There is a clock in this office -- but it is at such an angle that it is difficult for the patient to see it in the office. Hannibal, however, can see it perfectly.]
[Eat is clearly heard -- and then Hannibal's gaze narrows once more. Interesting. The man doesn't appear to be a fellow cannibal. Perhaps he eats something else entirely ... ]
So you need to measure out your smokes. Cut yourself back gradually, to where only one will meet your needs.
For the ones I can smoke alone, that's fine, yes. But not... not the other kind. There's no just scaling back. It needs to stop. People are- once I... trigger an asthma attack it... lasts. Forever. For as long as they're alive. My cigarettes are- [He pulls a face at himself and this particular metaphor he's chosen that is proving wholly insufficient.]
They're extremely potent. The normal methods for controlling an asthma attack after it's been triggered don't work. And I can't stop it.
So, I can't smoke those kinds of cigarettes. Ever. [He sounds like he's more trying to convince himself than he is explaining to Hannibal.] The stabbing will help. It should help. Thank you.
[A great deal of this knowledge was, in fact, raising Hannibal's suspicions greatly about what cigarettes were actually a metaphor for. The man before him hardly had the personality of a murderer, though. More like ... a sadist. Enjoying the pain and then feeling guilty about the action later.]
You are quite welcome, Archivist. Might I offer one thing, before you leave? [He leaned forward.] If you feel yourself losing control, you should come to me immediately.
Jon meets Hannibal's gaze looking confused, frightened. It's nothing to do with the man in front of him and more the situation and emotions roiling inside of him. This is one of those times that he wishes he were more the Archivist. More like some of the other avatars who seemed to have a better handle on their feelings, their guilt.
Except that would be horrible, and he doesn't want to become like the rest of them, forget what being human is.]
I, um... I wouldn't have the money to-
[He drops his gaze and pulls out the money he knows he already owes the man. Jon stands abruptly taking a step forward and offering the crisp bills to Hannibal. He's breathing a little faster.]
I'm sorry. Thank you. It wouldn't be- It would be a very bad idea for me to come to you when I'm... I don't want to hurt you, either, Dr. Lecter.
[Hannibal leaned forward, taking the money and folding it into his pocket, before putting his hand around the Archist's wrist to hold the other man into place for a moment.]
I am not doing this for the money, Mr. Sims. I want you to come to me because I think you are a danger to yourself, and you are a danger to those around you. As this is a small circle ... you are probably a danger to someone I know, and care for. So your treatment shall be pro-bono. For ... the greater good.
[There's an impulse to yank his arm away that Jon has to master for a second or two before responding.]
I'm not-
[Well, he is a danger.]
It's not-
[It is like that.]
I didn't come here for that.
[Which is true.]
You would be in danger if you...
[His gaze focuses on Hannibal instead of glancing away. And as it does, Hannibal will have the impression that it's more than just the Archivist looking at him. There are eyes hot on the back of his neck, the sensation of being watched so intensely, the observer might be piercing through him. The fear drains away from the Archivist's face, replaced by something more predatory, calm, and considering. Like a tiger surveying the options for its next meal.
A Statement. Does this man have a Statement? Some connection to the supernatural?]
[Hannibal let go the moment he realized he had captured Jon's attention thoroughly. He bore his own dark eyes into the other man's.]
You did not, but I feel that you may need it.
[There are many horrible things that Hannibal Lecter has seen and done, but alas, none of that is supernatural. Simply horrific. That calm gaze covers a great deal of horror.
Beyond that, what Jonathan Sims would see was simply a predator's gaze in return. Calm, but ready to strike.]
[The Archivist's gaze holds for several seconds, and then the sense of being watched fades. He clearly loses interest, glances away toward the door. Whatever he was looking for, it's not in Hannibal. It's only when he looks back, sees the doctor's expression, that it registers for Jon what he'd just done. How easily he'd slipped. But that was... there was a purpose to this, yes? He'd needed to check, to see if Hannibal would be vulnerable.
The rationalization after the fact has his stomach churning just a bit.
[The moment that intense interest starts to fade, Hannibal can feel his senses pull back from the need to attack Jonathan Sims. He leans back in his chair completely, giving Sims a long and steady look.
Finally, he nods.]
As you wish. I cannot force anyone to seek help. Just be reminded of your mantra, and your grounding exercise. I shall be keeping an eye out for you.
[That last comment engenders a quiet, bitter little huff of a laugh. If this were Basira, he might ask her if that was a joke. He can't help but mutter to himself:] Join the crowd.
[Louder once more:] Yes. Thank you, Dr. Lecter. I'll... buy a pocketknife. [Stabbing himself is the most important thing he's taken away from this conversation, which... might not be particularly healthy, but it's the part he wants to focus on. That mantra he's supposed to say is... He has enough issues with his personal identity without struggling over it each time he wrestles with himself.
Jon supposes he'll try. But it might just be easier stabbing himself a few times, instead. He'll heal, anyway.]
Good day.
[And unless Hannibal stops him again, he'll head out, looking as hunted as ever.]
Edited (wrapping up the end there) Date: 2019-08-16 05:21 am (UTC)
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-08-07 04:06 am (UTC)It's not... I'm the same person. It's not that simple anymore. I wasn't always a... a chain-smoker, but now that I am... A coworker introduced me to it. My boss introduced me to it. He gave me... cigarettes and that was fine at first. It was fine. I... the first attack I triggered, I didn't even know it was happening. There weren't any... overt signs. She was upset, but I didn't... I never meant to do that.
[He finally looks up at Hannibal.]
I didn't start out meaning to be a chain-smoker. But then I started getting sick when I wasn't smoking, and... [Jon crosses his arms over his chest, hugging himself.] I chose to do this. To keep doing this. I know. I just... I never expected it to get this bad.
[He draws in a breath, trying to center himself.]
S-stabbing myself? I can do that. I need to, um... I need to buy something for it. But I can do that. And... the rest of it, too.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-11 02:10 am (UTC)The Archivist clearly thought the rules did apply to him, though. So whatever he was hiding behind 'smoking', he did not have control of it and he would be hurting more people in the future if he did not gain control.
Including people that Hannibal actually spoke to regularly.] Perhaps you did not start out this way, and perhaps it is not your fault that you became addicted to cigarettes. However, your continued dependence on them is a deflection of owning to your own mistakes.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-11 02:37 am (UTC)His voice is softer when he continues.]
I know they're my mistakes, my choices. I just... [Don't want to stop. It's as simple and as sickening as that.] I need to be able to-
I haven't been able to eat.
[The words slip out in frustration, and Jon quickly corrects.]
Smoke. I-I haven't been able to smoke like I normally would. I can, um... I can do that alone. Without... triggering people. But I haven't... I know why. I know what I need to do to fix it, but it makes me h- I... have to smoke more for it.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-12 02:22 am (UTC)There is a clock in this office -- but it is at such an angle that it is difficult for the patient to see it in the office. Hannibal, however, can see it perfectly.]
[Eat is clearly heard -- and then Hannibal's gaze narrows once more. Interesting. The man doesn't appear to be a fellow cannibal. Perhaps he eats something else entirely ... ]
So you need to measure out your smokes. Cut yourself back gradually, to where only one will meet your needs.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-12 03:45 am (UTC)They're extremely potent. The normal methods for controlling an asthma attack after it's been triggered don't work. And I can't stop it.
So, I can't smoke those kinds of cigarettes. Ever. [He sounds like he's more trying to convince himself than he is explaining to Hannibal.] The stabbing will help. It should help. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-15 02:06 am (UTC)You are quite welcome, Archivist. Might I offer one thing, before you leave? [He leaned forward.] If you feel yourself losing control, you should come to me immediately.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-15 02:22 am (UTC)Jon meets Hannibal's gaze looking confused, frightened. It's nothing to do with the man in front of him and more the situation and emotions roiling inside of him. This is one of those times that he wishes he were more the Archivist. More like some of the other avatars who seemed to have a better handle on their feelings, their guilt.
Except that would be horrible, and he doesn't want to become like the rest of them, forget what being human is.]
I, um... I wouldn't have the money to-
[He drops his gaze and pulls out the money he knows he already owes the man. Jon stands abruptly taking a step forward and offering the crisp bills to Hannibal. He's breathing a little faster.]
I'm sorry. Thank you. It wouldn't be- It would be a very bad idea for me to come to you when I'm... I don't want to hurt you, either, Dr. Lecter.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-15 11:22 pm (UTC)I am not doing this for the money, Mr. Sims. I want you to come to me because I think you are a danger to yourself, and you are a danger to those around you. As this is a small circle ... you are probably a danger to someone I know, and care for. So your treatment shall be pro-bono. For ... the greater good.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-15 11:38 pm (UTC)I'm not-
[Well, he is a danger.]
It's not-
[It is like that.]
I didn't come here for that.
[Which is true.]
You would be in danger if you...
[His gaze focuses on Hannibal instead of glancing away. And as it does, Hannibal will have the impression that it's more than just the Archivist looking at him. There are eyes hot on the back of his neck, the sensation of being watched so intensely, the observer might be piercing through him. The fear drains away from the Archivist's face, replaced by something more predatory, calm, and considering. Like a tiger surveying the options for its next meal.
A Statement. Does this man have a Statement? Some connection to the supernatural?]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 03:56 am (UTC)You did not, but I feel that you may need it.
[There are many horrible things that Hannibal Lecter has seen and done, but alas, none of that is supernatural. Simply horrific. That calm gaze covers a great deal of horror.
Beyond that, what Jonathan Sims would see was simply a predator's gaze in return. Calm, but ready to strike.]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 04:10 am (UTC)The rationalization after the fact has his stomach churning just a bit.
He starts to look uncomfortable once more.]
No. No, thank you. I-
I'll handle it. I can handle it.
[Hopefully.]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 05:01 am (UTC)Finally, he nods.]
As you wish. I cannot force anyone to seek help. Just be reminded of your mantra, and your grounding exercise. I shall be keeping an eye out for you.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 05:16 am (UTC)[Louder once more:] Yes. Thank you, Dr. Lecter. I'll... buy a pocketknife. [Stabbing himself is the most important thing he's taken away from this conversation, which... might not be particularly healthy, but it's the part he wants to focus on. That mantra he's supposed to say is... He has enough issues with his personal identity without struggling over it each time he wrestles with himself.
Jon supposes he'll try. But it might just be easier stabbing himself a few times, instead. He'll heal, anyway.]
Good day.
[And unless Hannibal stops him again, he'll head out, looking as hunted as ever.]